Sunday, March 8, 2009

A letter to you...

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Jeremiah 1:5

My dear little one,
June 19, 2009 will be a year since I lost you. My heart still grieves. I remember the day I took the pregnancy test and saw I was pregnant. I was scared..excited...all the above other than being selfish like your father- I was having a baby! My first appt was on June 19, 2008, I was alone. I looked at you on the ultrasound and could see the buds where your arms and your legs were developing and I could see the little black dots where your eyes were going to be but there was no heartbeat. My heart broke into a million pieces. You had passed in early development. I was all alone to go through losing you. My heart ached, I wanted to feel something else besides hurt. You were my baby!I have forgiven your father for all the mean things he said and how he wanted me to abort you or give you up. I have forgiven him for everything but I know he will have to ask for forgiveness himself. You were not going to be kept a secret like I was from everyone. You were mine, my baby. You were due around January 19th of this year. You would be in my arms if you were here. I know someday I will get to see you and hold you. I have asked God why would He take you from me. I still have no answer..Someday I will know why and I know things happen for a reason- God makes no mistakes. When I tried to talk to your father he brushed me off. I asked him how did he cope with it and he replied I try not to think about it. I cannot help to think about you! It has gotten better but I still wonder what you would have looked like and what you would have been- a boy or girl. The help of others and the church has gotten me through a lot. Your father may not have wanted you but I did! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. This year I am going to plant a yellow rose in your memory. Your father gave me an angel charm and told me it was his version of the rose. Even though your father was selfish and mean I wear it in memory of you. I want you to know I love you and I can't wait to see you someday. I know you are in the safest place anyone can be and you are in better hands. I love you my lil angel!!!!

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